Please, bands of the Nineties and Aughts: do not "reunite". Not for a one-off show, not even if you were actually disbanded for more than ten years, not even if you really liked The Pixies. It was almost okay for them to do it: everybody felt bad for the magician/metal detector enthusiast drummer, and they had that one record with the hot naked chick on the cover, so there was some promise…and then we got "Bam Thwok". If they can’t pull it off, what makes you think you can?

But if nobody can convince you to stay dead a little bit longer, the least you can do is consult this latest Chunklet-certified list-style posting for the most appropriate description of what it is you and your group of teachers on summer break/unemployed buddies/career drinkers are doing by getting back in a van. "Reuniting" sounds a little too self-aggrandizing, so how about something more like:

Gettin’ back with the ex
Settling
Repackaging
Financial plannin’
Supplementing our unemployment checks
Leaving rehab early
Relenting
Driving up our eBay value
Foolin’ ourselves
Gravy-trainin’
Covering The Who
Romanticizing the van-smell
Subsidizing
Pitchforkin’
Corpse-fucking
Caving in
Going re-broke
Spittin’ on a stranger
Cred-cashing

Go ahead and add your suggestions in the "Comments" section. What else were you going to do with all that creative energy – write some new songs?

Best joke wins. Wins nothing, for winning is its own reward, just like cash.

Craigslist/Portland/Date: 2010-08-08

This Cat is 12 years old. It is very cute and has a long tail, so it will look good sitting in your window while you are away!

It has two looks on it’s face at all times 1) surprise. 2) angry glare. It has always been vindictive and angry. It will shred your arms to the bone if picked up, so handling is not advisable. Cat will use litter box only once and then considers it soiled and will choose your chair (or elsewhere) instead. Free *1 month supply/ 5 gallon bucket of Nature’s Miracle* will accompany Cat to new home. Cat hates other animals and children and people so please be an animal free and kid free and spouse/friend/roommate free home. Cat can only live with one Person. Cat hates for Person to have other people over, so you shouldn’t have friends or it will pee in their purse or on their shoes. Person should be strong of mind and body and not at home much, as cat is not into interaction. Interaction with it’s Person makes Cat angry, and it will vomit on your pillow in retaliation.

Cat hates to be inside too long, but will not go through doors as it hates doorways. You must chase it outside with clacking salad tongs. Cat’s *favorite salad tongs will be provided for free* and will accompany Cat to new home. Cat hates to be outdoors for too long as it prefers to pee, poop and vomit on your things, it likes to do this to claim it’s Person (this Person could be you!). Cat will come inside easily at dinnertime, no salad tongs necessary. Cat will vomit once during, and up to three times after dinner, usually on pillow, duvet, or laundry. Sometimes it will vomit in doorways. Sometimes it will just poop in these places. Other places Cat will poop: in front of refrigerator, in front of windows, near the litterbox, in front of teevee, on top of you if you are around for too long. Cat should not have access to any bathrooms as it hates bathmats and will destroy them on sight with a barrage of pee and poop and finally clawing it to shreds. Other things Cat will claw to shreds: arms, face, carpet, pillow, chair, laundry.

Cat has a loud obnoxious yowl to indicate when it is angry. The yowl is akin to that of a rabid zombie on the make and is quite terrifying, so you would be well advised to take heed and figure out what Cat wants. If you haven’t cleaned the litterbox in less than an hour, check that first. It may want you to provide running drinking water from the faucet. It WILL get on the counters, you should not interfere or you WILL be sorry. If yowling occurs between the hours of Noon and 7:00 pm, it may require feeding. Cat will attack you for your food, so it is not advisable to eat in the house. If not fed what you are eating, Cat will knock the dishes off the table in retaliation and eat the shards of glass and porcelain that fall, so that you will be required to take it to the vet. It likes the attention from the vet. Cat will look sweet and pitiful at vet’s office, and as I said before, Cat is very cute. No one will believe when you try to tell them what Cat is capable of, so don’t try. They will look at you as if you are the problem. I will understand your situation and you can call me in an emergency to talk about Cat. * 1 year of free consulting and phone support * comes with Cat. I will not be available in person for support, Cat will not like it and it will escalate situation.

Other things to be aware of with Cat. Cat has LONG hair and is prone to fur balls and the vomiting of hairy, slimy bits. This can not be helped. Cat hates any glass of drinking water to be left about and will drink from it and knock it over. You should not drink water from glasses. Cat does not like for it’s Person to sleep. It will walk/stand on your face with one razor sharp claw in your nostril and yowl like a zombie, so you would be well advised to stay awake and always be ready to attend to Cat. Cat weaves evil spells and makes hexes. Many do not believe this is true, but I am convinced of this fact. Cat will place spells on you while you sleep or read or watch teevee.

I think that is the bulk of the information I can provide about Cat. Cat is up to date on shots, sterilized and is physically healthy, it should live on for several more years. Please bring heavy cloth sack, a metal box or crate, face protection (I use a hockey goalie helmet) and long leather gloves when coming to pick up Cat. I will not be available to assist in transporting Cat.

Thanks for looking.

EDIT WORTHY OF NOTE: Updating ad to clarify that Cat is not abused. Cat is LOVED… from a safe distance, we are experienced animal people. You must love Cat or you will not make it long. Cat has always been uptight and has never been the subject of an abusive situation. We actively love Cat. Look how cute!! But it is hard. We do not abuse Cat with clacking tongs. Cat needs a lot of encouragement to go out, and hates when you have tongs…so free tongs for you…use them as you will. No, we didn’t let Cat eat shards of glass, but Cat would eat the shards if not herded off. Cat does look cute and act innocent for vet. I really didn’t expect anyone to come forward to take Cat given the extent of the disclosure I have given. Offers will be the subject of careful, but unlikely, consideration given the only people who would possibly want this Cat are going to sell the poor animal to a lab or have 100 other Cats at home. We have tried it all and consulted with consultants. The cat is 12 years old for crying out loud! We are tired. If you have the perfect situation, and you know how to deal with a Cat like this one, and you are sane, write a proposal and we will give it careful scrutiny.

For those giving free advice, please bring it on! will welcome ideas – provided you know something of what you are talking about. Here’s the skinny: Cat has been in care of current owner since kittenhood. Cat was in an apartment fire once – it was next door but you know, chaos and trauma ensued. Cat has always been "particular" unless in the EXACT RIGHT situation, which is with ONE Person and an "always open and never closed" Cat door to outside area. Cat will not push open a flap…hates doorways. NO other pets (poops in their food bowls). And being always catered to as if in slight fear of Cat. We have 4 cat boxes, each cleaned every day, not enough for Cat. Yes, we’ve tried the water fountain from Sky Mall magazine, Cat hates the fountain. Cat wants a personal fresh mountain stream or a constantly running tap. Given ALL of these things consistently, Cat will occasionally cuddle with knees at bedtime and purr loudly…lest you move with the intention to do ANYTHING. Cat will then flick the tail in your face and as I said, the tail is very long. Or Cat will pound on the bathroom door to attack the bathmat, or later in the night, your laundry (or worse). Cat is female. Cat never forgets a slight and her slights are many. She’s just a weird Cat, physically healthy, gets regular checkups with vet to prove it. We have 4 other very healthy, contented and happy pets.

Thanks everyone for your concerns. Cat probably thanks you too in her way.

Dear CBS, et al.,
 
     I’m so sorry to read about your trials and tribulations with Charlie Sheen of late. I just heard the show has been canceled for the entire season. This news surely devastated many a die-hard fan. And earlier this week, your studio decided to completely sever it’s ties with the actor, a move that was not exactly shocking given the surreal tug-of-war battle that’s occurred.
     It’s no secret Mr. Sheen has been acting a little odd lately. Then again, he’s always been a little out there. I guess fame has a way of doing that to some people.
     Your studio’s plight reminds me of the story in a movie–I cannot remember which film–when a truck gets stuck underneath an overpass. A myriad of people are called to the scene to formulate how best to remove the truck. While everyone is attempting to surmise the answer, a little kid walking by suggests to simply deflate the tires. Problem solved.
     Please allow me to cut to the chase. I am that little kid. I’m here to help. Are you ready for my suggestion? Okay, here it is: Hire me to replace Charlie Sheen! Don’t laugh. This show can still be saved.
     Fact is, the sitcom is better off with out him. Frankly, I’ve never found him funny anyway. I’d just as soon slit my fucking wrists then watch that "comedy" in which he played a professional pitcher. The only good thing about that movie was that it was shot in Milwaukee County Stadium, a place I visited often for Brewers games while growing up.
     To be honest, I’ve never even watched an episode of Two and a Half Men. I had no idea it was such a huge hit until recently. But don’t let that deter you from hiring me.
     Allow me to provide a brief synopses of my acting credentials. In sixth grade, I was in my home town’s community theater production of A Christmas Carol. I played Tiny Tim’s brother. A half year later, I was in the musical Carousel. That play really propelled my career to new levels. I was then offered a small service announcement film with the Wisconsin Department of Fish and Game. I played a young hunter who, along with his friend, carried home three dead squirrels. The squirrels were actually frozen, not that it matters. The short film was shot with my big competition in the community theater, a kid who was one year behind me in my school. He was the "bad example" who wanted to throw the squirrels in the garbage rather then clean them for food. I was paid twenty dollars for three hours of work. After that film, I tried out for On Golden Pond and lost the role to my aforementioned competitor.
     So, there you have it. That was my acting career. Which brings me to the most important reason you should consider me for the role on your sitcom: Money. Unlike Charlie Sheen, I am not a greedy egomaniac. I will work for far less money. That tool wanted three million dollars per episode but was upset he was signed for 1.8 million. (Who does he think he is? It’s not like he was in Apocalypse Now or Repo Man.) I will settle for a paltry 500 grand per episode. Not a penny less, though. That’s a win-win situation for everyone. Think about it. Once America gets wind of this, I’ll be the underdog everyone is watching. It will make for a great story! The press will eat it up.
     I know what the studio is thinking. The show is loosely based on Charlie Sheen. Therefore, how the hell can some obsequious sous chef living in Seattle fill the shoes of the infamously famous partier and womanizer born Carlos Irwin Estevez? Trust me, I’ve done my share of partying. Hell, I went to the University of Wisconsin, an institution that routinely ranks in the top ten of party schools almost any given year. Practically the entire populace of Wisconsin are professional drinkers. That said, I could easily keep up with Charlie’s drinking, no problemos.
    Now the illegal drugs is another issue altogether. Unlike Mr. Sheen, I have not single handedly helped keep the various cartels in business via my cocaine consumption. I concede. He’s the winner.
     And while it’s also true I have never been a huge womanizer, there is always room for improvement. No, I’m not willing to spend fifty-two thousand dollars on hookers in one year. Well, maybe I’d consider spending upwards of twenty-five grand. But that’s not the point. It’s just not my style. Nonetheless, I am willing—with the studio’s blessing and aid as an invaluable intermediary, of course—to bang Denise Richards 24/7 for a few weeks before we begin shooting. Most men fantasize about being with a Bond woman, so I’d kill two birds with one stone while gaining some crucial womanizing experience. If Denise is not up for copious amounts of unbridled fornication, I’ll settle for some fun with Charlie’s recently tossed-to-the-curb "Goddesses." While I’m generally not into shallow slutty blonds, I’d take one for the team if it benefits the show.
     So there you have it. That’s my pitch. Oh, I do want to mention one more stipulation. I am not a morning person. Never have been and never will be. Hence, if we could hold off shooting everyday ‘till around say, 1:00 PM, I promise you I’d be much more on my game. I’m sure old Charlie demanded far worse.
     If all parties are willing to get together ASAP to negotiate, I’m confident we can ink a deal in no time. All of this ugly mess with Sheen will be water under the bridge soon enough. You’ll never have to deal with that jerk-off ever again once we get this truck back on the road. I Guarantee the studio will have the last laugh. We’ll render Charlie Sheen a useless has-been, all thanks to some moron in Seattle who fortuitously came along just in time to save Two and a Half Men.
     Please contact me via Chunklet. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Mark Stelmach

After a year of fussing and a few months of Kickstarting, the indie Cred Test is ready for preorders! (which will ship in mid-March)

This sucker clocks in at almost 200 pages and is a fine addition to any bookshelf that might have back issues of the mag or our other two books.

How would I describe this new book? In a word: dense. In three words: heavy ink coverage. In a nutshell? Imagine a standardized test that grew a pair.

Written by the staff at Chunklet, designed by Aaron Draplin and yrs truly and illustrated by the world-famous Jesse LeDoux. Like, whoa!

I’m anxious for all to read this behemoth.

Also! The new 12" by Fucked Up is also ready for preorders. Test pressings have been approved and we’re just waiting for copies to show up from the plant. Heck, the band even covers a Chain Gang song on the encore! And as always, there’s a few different colored vinyl editions. They will go fast, I’m sure.

And if’n you wanna buy both together and save a few bucks, just click here. Obviously, if you would like to purchase anything via Paypal, just contact me. And also, if anybody knows of any distributors (if there’s any left), let me know, okay?

Hop to.

Beautifully printed on American Apparel 2001 forest green shirts.

Only made a handful for the new book. Get it while it lasts!

(Note: These shirts are ‘discharge’ prints which means they have a super smooth feel to them. Dig it!)

A massive and comprehensive blog posting. A year in the making. This great Pittsburgh band’s singles, a few radio sessions, live video and even a live show mixed and recorded by Mr. Bobby Weston.

Hurl were always like the baby brother band to Don Caballero. Kinda forgotten over the years, but the kind folks at the incredible blog Pukekos were kind enough to allow me to do an exhaustive feature on them. Mr. Jencik now performs with Kranky recording artists Implodes. Enjoy!

When I moved to Georgia, one of the big promises I made to myself is that I would stop driving to shows hours away all by myself. When living in York, I’d always borrow my mom’s car and hop to Philly and Baltimore or lesser boros like Lancaster and Harrisburg. Almost always by myself and almost always just dragging ass on the return drive home so I wouldn’t miss classes at 8:00am the next morning.

However, the more memorable drives I’d make were to shows in DC. Always. I lucked out and would always get tips on shows at the Wilson Center, DC Space and 9:30 Club. My energy level far exceeded any rational person’s and well, I went routinely. As in once per week. For years it was like that. No joke.

The Embassy Tapes J Card/credits, etc

Thanks to time and/or gentrification (or both), trying to explain how dangerous some of these neighborhoods were is next to impossible. But the parties at the house called The Embassy? Well, those still stand out as the shows that I still really can’t explain. Not only was the neighborhood just absolutely 100% life-threatening (reminding me of the neighborhood at LA’s Jabberjaw) but it also served as the club house for Nation of Ulysses. Yeah.

The shows I saw at the Embassy were just ridiculous. Part of this was because I didn’t know anybody at the shows. I’d just lurk in the corner, drink beer outside or just sit in the car. There was always tons of free time and well, this was pre-cell phones so texting friends or playing Angry Birds would hafta wait twenty years. But let’s face it, house shows are always legendary, right? No real PA. No real stage. No real anything if you think about it. And well, watching bands perform amidst that sort of limitation was something I’d relish as I moved to Athens.

The Embassy Tapes isn’t a collection of live performances at the house, but rather a collection of recordings that were made by all the usual suspects of early 90’s DC. Circus Lupus, Bratmobile and a myriad of Ulysses side project bands. I purchased this copy via Simple Machines the week it came out and have made countless copies of it over the years.

NOU performing their last gig at The Embassy

As time progressed, I became friends with Tim Green (later of the Fucking Champs). Not only was he in Ulysses, but (I’m guessing) he recorded a good chunk of the material on this tape and released the tape out of his bedroom. When asked why he’s never made more copies of this, his response is that he got worried about how to pay everybody which is a pretty understandable concern. But man, what a great release all the same.

So here are the ‘dank nugs’ of the release. Be sure to also check out the Primal Scream demo by Nation of Ulysses and two Circus Lupus demos elsewhere on the site for more sonic enjoyment.

As a final aside, I can’t recollect which neighborhood The Embassy was in, but I do know that somebody from the DC scene now owns the house. Maybe somebody from The Apes or Faraquet owns it? Leave any info in the comments section.

The Embassy Tape, er, uh, tape

Andycane – Embassy Tapes

Billy – Embassy Tapes

Circus Lupus – Embassy Tapes

Nation of Ulysses – Embassy Tapes

Nero – Embassy Tapes

Tim Green – Embassy Tapes

Wonder Twins – Embassy Tapes

Bratmobile 2 – Embassy Tapes

Bratmobile – Embassy Tapes

Steve Kroner – Embassy Tapes

…but from the looks of this, I missed quite a bit! And even with a stroke, she made more sense than any lucid journalist.

(follow up) Mea Culpa.

THIS is how it was done in 2010.

Mayyors. An absolutely magnificent band. Now no longer. But good god, I defy anybody to find a better live band in the last few years.

And here’s parts two and three of their final gig. Brilliant.

Mayyors – The Crawl

Mayyors – Ghost Punch

Mayyors – Clicks

Mayyors – Deads