BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: JIM FARBER, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

JIM FARBER WINS.  I’m sorry.  When you list the "Top 40 CD’s of 2011," you are officially the coolest motherfucker on the face of the planet.  You know about how there’s a "cassette resurgence?"  Well, Farber is on the forefront of the CD resurgence that both hasn’t happened yet and also will never ever happen.  He is the guy who’s going to stick with the format to the point of referring to album-length releases as "CD’s."  I hope he also has a movie library full of laserdiscs and refers to them constantly as "laserdiscs."  As in "I dunno, why don’t we just stay in and watch a laserdisc?  Have you ever seen ‘Logan’s Run’?"  I am being simultaneously dismissive and envious.  As ludicrous as the hypothetical is, I desperately want to have a best friend who has "Logan’s Run" on laserdisc.

His is actually a boring list.  I’m not even gonna go over it.  It’s got the same stuff on it as anybody else’s list, more or less.  In the singer-songwriter pop writ large AOR mold.  Not for me.  I struggle to understand who it IS for, but I’m sure there are people in the world who buy CD’s (albums on a CD) on the recommendation of the guy from the New York Daily News.  They are the kind of people for whom it is either A. no surprise, or B. exciting news that Glen Campbell is still alive.  But that’s the content of Farber’s list.  The content does not matter.

It’s the delivery, you guys.  This thing is the comedy hit of the year.  It’s punctuated by a bunch of uses of the word "CD," often preceded by a chronological modifier.  Example sentence: "The son of Richard and Linda Thompson once again proved he’s his own man on his fifth CD."  What a gutbuster!  This guy is out there counting Teddy Thompson CD’s!  In public, no less!  What a kook!  What a fantastic example of a guy being exactly only himself! 

Of course with the "New York Daily News" credentials, he’s probably a composite devised from the PR desk of some megalithic dinosaur of a record company, but imagine if there were such a person!  Genuinely excited about the fifth Teddy Thopmson CD!  Proud of the product of such legendary progeny emerging, yet again (!), as a significant artist in his own right, despite the dual obstacles of both unreasonable expectations and near-universal indifference to his ability to meet them.  It’s a real heartwarmer of a story, and Farber tells it straight.

By God, it’s the recording industry. I had no idea this was still here, Logan.

You know what, Jim Farber?  I’m gonna give this Teddy Thompson CD a listen.  Hmmm.  About what I expected.  Boring in a kind of Lyle Lovett meets Rufus Wainwright way.  But you know what, Jim Farber?  Thanks to you I know I shouldn’t give credence to lazy first impressions.  Not as far as Teddy Thompson goes.  After all I haven’t listened to his previous four CDs.

And hey, you also put that "Those Shocking, Shaking Days" comp on there too, which is tough to find fault with as far as spiking the punch a little.  So I get it.  You’re not preaching to the converted and you’re cashing a check or two, provided you actually exist in the first place.  Good work.  Your sweetness and positivity once again have eroded all of my bitterness, Jim Farber.  I am not at all mad at you.  Shine on, and keep clinging to those crumbling fringes of the remaining music-press infrastructure for dear life.  Long may you run.

Not at all a spoiled legacy brat, Teddy Thompson has recorded FIVE CDs.

What’s that?

"The triple-threat songwriting tag-team in Gomez continues to ensure their CDs contain only their cream."

HA HA HA!  YOU ARE THE BEST, JIM FARBER.

GRADE: A+

These tasty boys give us nothing but their cream.

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: PITCHFORK’S TOP 50 ALBUMS OF 2011

50. Youth Lagoon The Year of Hibernation [Fat Possum/Lefse]
Reason: Accidental initial 8.4 rating was elephant in the room.  As Marisa Tomei is allowed to hold on to her "My Cousin Vinny" Oscar, so too must we include Youth Lagoon in the 2011 top 50.

49. Wild Flag Wild Flag [Merge]
Reason: We had to include it, but where?  Someplace controversial, that’s where.  Guess what, shitheads.  We liked 48 albums more than Wild Flag in 2011.  That should put the kibosh on any pandering claims right here and now.  Wild Flag.  America’s own Wild Flag.  Clocking in at number 49.  Barely made the list.  Why?  Because we’re badasses, that’s why.  And also there was some ad revenue conflict this year with a banner that Merge backed out of.  But mostly we’re badasses.

48. Toro Y Moi Underneath the Pine [Carpark]
Reason: We used the term "chillwave" too many times this year not to use it again.

47. Sepalcure Sepalcure [Hotflush]
Reason: Our techno guy told us to, and we’ll do anything just to shut him up.

46. Cults Cults [In the Name Of/Columbia]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

45. Kendrick Lamar Section.80 [Top Dawg]
Reason: Just wanted to remind you guys, we know about hip hop.  Not a single one of us could ever win a fist fight, but we do collectively know about hip hop.

44. Colin Stetson New History Warfare Vol. 2: Judges [Constellation]
Reason: Including a popular session saxophone player’s experimental electro-jazz album in our list allows us to reference LCD Soundsystem, Bon Iver, and Arcade Fire in an entry that’s not even about any of those acts.  We get paid by the mention on those guys, plus we get brownie points for being experimental, so it’s ideal.

43. Lykke Li Wounded Rhymes [Atlantic/LL]
Reason: For the ladies.  Real talk.

42. SBTRKT SBTRKT [Young Turks]
Reason: Look.  We DJ on the side.  All of us.  You know how much money that can pay if you just give up and play some butt-moving techno shit like this from a laptop?  Some.  Some money.

41. Liturgy Aesthethica [Thrill Jockey]
Reason: Contrary to popular belief, we do a comprehensive scientific analysis on our ratings systems, and it turns out this is the exact 41st best album of 2011.

Colin Stetson recorded with Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire.

40. AraabMuzik Electronic Dream [Duke]
Reason: The more we tell you to like techno, the funnier it’s gonna be when we go "ha ha, just kidding" in 2015.  We’ve been buying up limited-release punk/psych/garage stuff for like the last 5 years, and we are all gonna make a KILLING on eBay when we start telling the world it’s good.  Watch.  The best thing is: by then we’ll be wrong.  HA HA HA.

39. The War on Drugs Slave Ambient [Secretly Canadian]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

38. Sandro Perri Impossible Spaces [Constellation]
Reason: Did Dirty Projectors come out with a record this year?  NO?!  Shit!  Find me an approximation.  NOW.  This slot is already published, you guys.

37. Iceage New Brigade [What’s Your Rupture?]
Reason: These guys are teenagers from Denmark.  Did we mention that?  Teenagers from Denmark.  Remember that.  Tell it to other people.  And if you want to put icing on that cake, say "I dunno, some people say it sounds like a mess, but people said the same thing about Land Speed Record."  That’ll REALLY make it sound like you’re getting in on the ground floor.  Oh, and if somebody tells you "Land Speed Record IS a fucking mess."  Just say "I KNOW" like you agree with that and also you think messes are great.  That person will accept you as somebody who has opinions about music AND probably also stop talking to you about music.  So it’s win-win.  Lil’ tip from your buddies over at good old P-Fork.  You’re welcome.

36. Kate Bush 50 Words For Snow [Anti-/Fish People]
Reason: You’re not allowed to be older than 30 and like rock music and not also be somewhat of a Kate Bush fan.  Them’s the rules.  We made ’em.  We follow ’em.  Kate Bush.  Kate Bush, you guys.

35. Frank Ocean Nostalgia, Ultra. [self-released]
Reason: You know what?  Sometimes it’s just FUN to hype up something that doesn’t really deserve it.  You remember how much FUN Odd Future was at first?  Sure, they’re basically the second coming of Onyx, but "Slam" was fun then and yelling "Wolf Gang" for no reason is also fun.  What the fuck, we’re not allowed to get drunk and be idiots?  No?  Why, because we’re too busy overanalyzing everything with a pseudo-academic air, even if it’s completely mediocre?  Oh shit, you have a point.  Guys!  They’re onto us.  Smoke bomb of words!  Hmmmrr, actually we like this stuff.  It’s a part of a "movement" of "something something."  RUN!  …We lost ’em.  That was close.  Man, did you see that one guy with the Squirtle t-shirt and the AK-47?  HA HA HA.  WOLF GANG!  Oh man I’m going to vomit.  I should not have had those 7 lavender-infused vodka tonics that were provided free of charge by the fine people at Hyundai.  Remind me to never stop telling people how good that music was even though that was fucking horrible.

34. Katy B On a Mission [Columbia/Rinse]
Reason: We just want you to give us credit for REALLY sticking with the whole "pop is music too" anti-snob-backlash-cum-neu-snob-frontlash thing.  I mean it was kind of fun for a while there in 2003 to blast Billy Joel "Uptown Girl" at a party, but we took that ball and just fucking RAN with it.  All the WAY, even.  Look at us.  Still.  You know?  I mean, wow, right?

33. Fucked Up David Comes to Life [Matador]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

32. Panda Bear Tomboy [Paw Tracks]
Reason: Do we have to come right out and say it?  We painted ourselves into a corner with all the Animal Collective fawning, ok?

31. Ty Segall Goodbye Bread [Drag City]
Reason: We can’t really vouch for anybody who’s actually good unless it’s their least good album.  Sorry, our hands are tied.  What can we say?  We’re shitty.  We want things to be shitty.  And we take special pride in making unshitty things a little shittier.  That’s just what we do.

30. Tim Hecker Ravedeath, 1972 [Kranky]
Reason: Will this help you take us seriously?  It’s not all pop with us, people.  Sometimes it’s groaning ambient anti-pop "important" music.  See?  We pander from both sides.

29. DJ Quik The Book of David [Mad Science]
Reason: Ok, so we like writing descriptions about 42 year old hip hop producers that make us sound like old friends.  So sue us.

28. Cut Copy Zonoscope [Modular]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

27. Beyoncé 4 [Columbia]
Reason: We were going to mention the Kelly Rowland album here, but a bunch of thugs shoved our Editor in Chief into the back of a van.  One of the goons showed him a Kelly Rowland album and a picture of his family with a knife through it, and another guy held up a Beyoncé album, and a gym bag full of cash.  They said "the choice is yours" and dropped him in the middle of the Dan Ryan.  We would have just taken the cash without all the theatrics, as usual, but message received.

26. The Field Looping State of Mind [Kompakt]
Reason: When Duster came out, we were like, "Great medium-good band, guys.  How about exactly this but 15 years later and techno?"  So this is just kind of a "told you so."

25. Gang Gang Dance Eye Contact [4AD]
Reason: Did you know there’s a black market stock market?  There is, and we are up to our nuts in cocaine futures.  Like scary-level committed.  Way overextended.  All we have to do is promote shitty party music in order to artificially drive demand for like 2 more years, and then we’ll get out.

24. Julianna Barwick The Magic Place [Asthmatic Kitty]
Reason: You ever watch a movie that’s gunning super hard for an Academy Award but just falls totally flat?  Like "Cold Mountain."  "Cold Mountain" is fucking hilarious.  Well, that’s kind of the music we’re into.  Anything that aims to convey a sense of profound meaning without ever actually communicating anything, so much so that you have no idea what you’re even supposed to be so emotional about, and then you’re momentarily confused enough to forget that you’re out $12?  That’s what this is, except you can totally download it for free so it’s just more like a lighthearted goof.

23. Bill Callahan Apocalypse [Drag City]
Reason: "Whatever Bill Callahan just shat out at the 23 slot" is a good old fashioned "no bones to pick" choice.  Not even Ben Johnson can come up with a reason why this is a dopey move.

22. The Caretaker An Empty Bliss Beyond This World [History Always Favours the Winners]
Reason: When Pitchfork first started it was back when "Glitch" was kind of the big pretentious thing de jour.  God, we miss it.  It was so easy to write about as if the people doing it were actually accomplishing something.  Old habits die hard.

21. Jay-Z/Kanye West Watch the Throne [Def Jam/Roc-a-Fella/Roc Nation]
Reason: Okay fine, you got us.  We’re starfuckers.

20. Nicolas Jaar Space Is Only Noise [Circus Company]
Reason: Not even we like what we’re doing.  We’re trying to make it plain to you people how much we suck with little messages in the bottle like this, but it’s not easy.  Apparently there’s no limit to how gullible you are.

19. Danny Brown XXX [Fool’s Gold]
Reason: Our favorite subgenre of Hip-Hop is and always has been Nyah Nyah Nyah Rap, and it’s been a while since the heyday of Aesop Rock so we’re biding our time with this.

Gang Gang Dance’s Biggest and Only Fan

18. Atlas Sound Parallax [4AD]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

17. Clams Casino Instrumentals [self-released]
Reason: It’s a self-released "mixtape."  You can just see the stinkwaves of cred seeping out of this like one of those old time cartoons where the smell from the pie on the window sill grows hands and slaps Bugs Bunny in the face, then grabs him by the nostrils and floats him over.  Check out that word, "mixtape."  It’s like we got it on an actual cassette tape!  Right?!  Like instead of multitracking some sample-based watery downtempo house on Garageband and then instantly sending it everywhere on the internet, we got a TAPE in the REAL LIFE MAIL?!  Man, that would be CRAZY.  THE MAIL?  Yeah RIGHT.  And a TAPE?!  They don’t even MAKE those things anymore.  We’re pretty sure they don’t even make those things anymore.  Ho ho man.  Check out this underground self-released MIXTAPE we have.  We get things like this all the time because we’re pretty cool dudes, and we liked this one more than all but 16 of everything this year that we heard this year.  No biggie.  Wink.  (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!)

16. Kurt Vile Smoke Ring For My Halo [Matador]
Reason: We’re allowed to like Kurt Vile now that he’s Neil Younged out all his earlier rocking.

15. Fleet Foxes Helplessness Blues [Sub Pop]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

14. Shabazz Palaces Black Up [Sub Pop]
Reason: It’s good.

13. EMA Past Life Martyred Saints [Souterrian Transmissions]
Reason: We love 90’s movies about virtual reality that display a complete lack of knowledge about what computers are and what they do.  The only thing better is the music in the one scene where they try to convince you that the youngsters that know about how to do this stuff are, like, dangerous and cool.  That music always really spoke to us, because we always knew a lot about computers, and we were nerdy as shit at the time.  So when nerds make kind of nerdy Depeche Mode electro-industrial-guitar music that could conceivably be made to look, through the magic of hiring extras on the set of the movie "Hackers," like it’s some sort of edgy hedonistic sex rave, it awakens deep memories of pretending the reason we’re alone at our lunch table in middle school is we’re too tough and edgy.

12. James Blake James Blake [A&M/Atlas]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

11. St. Vincent Strange Mercy [4AD]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

10. The Weeknd House of Balloons [self-released]
Reason: Drug sales kickback.

09. Real Estate Days [Domino]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

08. Drake Take Care [Cash Money/Young Money/Universal Republic]
Reason: This is just our way of saying that we approve of the idea of turning on the radio.

07. tUnE-yArDs w h o k i l l [4AD]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

06. Oneohtrix Point Never Replica [Mexican Summer/Software]
Reason: We don’t want to totally ignore the "underground," so we decided to include a randomly selected album on Mexican Summer, a smaller label that we like for a number of reasons, chief among them the fact that they’re shameless.

05. Girls Father, Son, Holy Ghost [True Panther]
Reason: Comedy.

04. PJ Harvey Let England Shake [Vagrant/Island Def Jam]
Reason: Just to prove that we know who she is, really.

03. M83 Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming [Mute]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

02. Destroyer Kaputt [Merge]
Reason: Ad sales kickback

01. Bon Iver Bon Iver [Jagjaguwar]
Reason: Ad sales kickback.

Can you IMAGINE?! LOL.

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: JIM DEROGATIS, AUTHOR "LET IT BLURT," NPR’S SOUND OPINIONS

Hi everybody!  I’m lazy as fuck!  Here’s a list of some promo albums I got this year that I then wrote some words about:

1. Le Butcherettes, Sin Sin Sin (Rodriguez Lopez Productions); 2. Wild Flag, Wild Flag (Sub Pop); 3. Das Racist, Relax (Greedhead LLC); 4. The Feelies, Here Before (Bar None); 5. Danger Mouse and Daniele Luppi, Rome (Capitol); 6. F*cked Up, David Comes to Life (Matador); 7. Bewitched Hands, Birds and Drums (Look Mum No Hands); 8. tUnE-yArDs, WHOKILL (4AD); 9. The Decemberists, The King Is Dead (Capitol); 10. The Go! Team, Rolling Blackouts (Memphis Industries); 11. Shabazz Palaces, Black Up (Sub Pop); 12. Wilco, The Whole Love (dBpm); 13. Ponytail, Do Whatever You Want All the Time (We Are Free); 14. Raphael Saadiq, Stone Rollin’ (Columbia); 15. Fleet Foxes, Helplessness Blues (Sub Pop); 16. The Cool Kids, When Fish Ride Bicycles (Green Label Sound); 17. Beastie Boys, Hot Sauce Committee Part Two (Capitol); 18. TV on the Radio, Nine Types of Light (Interscope);  19. Kate Bush, 50 Words for Snow (Anti-); 20. Mastodon, The Hunter (Reprise); 21. Van Hunt, What Were You Hoping For? (Godless Hotspot); 22. Sons & Daughters, Mirror Mirror (Domino); 23. Lucinda Williams, Blessed (Lost Highway); 24. Drive-By Truckers, Go-Go Boots (ATO); 25. Gorillaz, The Fall (Virgin); 26. Lydia Loveless, Indestructible Machine (Bloodshot); 27. Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks, Mirror Traffic (Matador); 28. Lupe Fiasco, Lasers (Atlantic); 29. Radiohead, The King of Limbs (self-released); 30. Damon & Naomi, False Beats and True Hearts (20-20-20); 31. Steven Wilson, Grace for Drowning (Kscope); 32. Trombone Shorty, For True (Verve Forecast); 33. Wye Oak, Civilian (Merge); 34. Mannequin Men, Mannequin Men (Addenda); 35. Lykke Li, Wounded Rhymes (Atlantic); 36. Beats Antique, Elektrafone (Antique); 37. Smoking Popes, This Is Only A Test (Asian Man Records); 38. North Mississippi Allstars, Keys to the Kingdom (Songs of the South); 39. Marketa Irglova, Anar (Anti-); 40. Smith Westerns, Dye It Blonde (Fat Possum)

Let me just catch my breath here in the middle of the street

As you can see, I didn’t break a sweat making this list, which is impressive for me because I break a sweat doing ANYTHING.  For inclusion on future lists like this one, please send promos to: Jim DeRogatis c/o Job He Still Has For Some Reason, Navy Pier, Chicago.

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: NUMERO GROUP’S 10 BEST OF NUMERO GROUP

11-14. Spirit Free: Plays Starship; Syl Johnson: Mythological 45s; Various Artists: Cult Cargo: Salsa Boricua De Chicago; Syl Johnson: Complete Mythology
By not including these 4 releases on our top 10 list of our own 2011 releases, we imply that they’re not that good.  Don’t buy them.  It’s just one of those things where you get a track or two that you think have potential, and you do months and months of investigating, legal clearance, and remastering.  It kind of takes a momentum of its own after a while, and we put out some dogs.  I mean, not technically.  We stand behind everything we do.  Except, you know.  They can’t all be winners, I guess.  Anyhow, please enjoy this top ten list of our own stuff that we’re "genuinely excited about (selling)" because if we don’t sell some fucking units we’re all gonna be in some pretty deep shit:

10. Little Ed & the Soundmasters 3×45
Little Ed is a pygmy dwarf from Borneo whose mother was in an astral projection cult in the early 70’s.  He was able to record some soul tunes with his band The Soundmasters in an abandoned rubber dog shit factory in Chicago’s Goose Island industrial area.  The tracks were recorded on self-destroying tape and then somehow pressed to one acetate, which was immediately flung out the window only to land on top of a speeding bread truck loaded full of illegally smuggled Polish immigrants and rare tropical birds which promptly crashed into Lake Michigan.  The acetate was discovered in 1983 by a one-eyed SCUBA enthusiast and gun collector named Ralph Krzanek who lives in Cicero, Illinois.  Krzanek agreed to share the acetate with us in exchange for a lifetime supply of the now discontinued double-stuff Oreos.  These songs are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

09. Doc Rhymin “Dictionary Rap”+2 12″
Doctor William Rhymin became an ersatz medical doctor by faking his way through classes at The Bronx Medical School in 1975.  He was jailed for two years for being an unlicensed medical practitioner after botching a pectoral implant in the backroom at Studio 54 during an IRS raid.  Upon his release, he parlayed his disco-friendly birth name into a second career as an educational speaker after the rap fad hit.  "Dictionary Rap" was his biggest hit on the elementary-school assembly circuit, and also included here are his "Brush ‘Em Down" and "Vegtable [sic] Boogie."  These recordings were presumed lost because nobody remembered them or cared.  They are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

08. Titan: It’s All Pop! 4LP
[TIME OUT]This is up there with the Jet Staxx and Pumphouse Gang reissues for Power Pop comebacker of the year, and based on size alone it gets the nod.  Thanks to the licensing issues involved in the Yellow Pills comp, this box set is likely to be the best thing Numero has on wax for some time.  I ran out and grabbed a red-wax edition.  I’m not made of stone, here, people.[TIME IN]  The best thing about this is it’s remastered and available for the second time ever, and we’d give the recordings probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

07. Penny & the Quarters “You And Me” b/w “Some Other Love” 45
"What I love about this record is not just its casual, tossed-off, one-take vibe, its youthful innocence, or its almost-Motown-if-only-for-lack-of-a-full-production potential. No, what I really love about “You And Me” is that it’s a hit. The sole musical focus and turning point of “Blue Valentine,” an independent film that found its way out of the art houses and into the hearts of couples everywhere, “You And Me” sold like McFuckingRib. At its peak we were averaging 500 downloads a day and burned through our first pressing faster than the FBI burned through Waco. A great song? Yes it is. A great song that everyone loves? Shit, isn’t that what this business is supposed to be about?" —Tom Lunt

"What I love about this is we made money on it." —Tom Lunt Paraphrased

Remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give the recordings probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

06. Stone Coal White: S/T LP/CD
Stone Coal White were a psychedelic funk band from Dayton, Ohio.  Ironic, since Dayton has long been known as "The Unfunkiest Town In America," which served as an ill-informed and unnecessarily specific official city motto starting in 1979 and remains today.  Apparently the Firestone 500 tire recall of 1978 was an enormous source of shame for the town, whose Firestone-subsidiary Dayton Tire brand was the only thing at the time that anybody could remember about Dayton, Ohio.  It sent the burg into a shame spiral, hence the absurd "Unfunkiest" motto, which as of press time has yet to be uprooted by the populist unofficial motto "Dayton: Home of Notorious Singing Alcoholic Robert Pollard."  Anyhow, the recordings are remastered and available for the first time ever, we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

05. Father’s Children: Who’s Gonna Save The World LP+45/CD
After writing a short promotional blurb in Time Magazine about Father’s Children in 1973 the powers that be at the giant publishing conglomerate, nonplussed by the failure of their "Comet of the Century" prediction for Father’s Children, decided once and for all that they would never go that far out on a limb ever again.  Thus, unwittingly, Father’s Children is wholly responsible for Time Magazine’s reputation among discerning music fans as being "stuffed full to the brim with horseshit."  The recordings in evidence of this milestone in American musical history are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

04. Willie Wright: Telling The Truth LP+45/CD+5″
Willie Wright holds the distinction of being the first person ever to sing in braille. 

These recordings are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

03. Eccentric Soul: The Nickel & Penny Labels 2LP/CD
Obsessive, amateurish, regional, drug-addled, mentally ill, spiritual, obscure, off-kilter, inept, outsider, poorly promoted, interestingly flawed, danceable while squinting, underfunded, mismanaged, abstruse, murkily produced, off key, and/or untalented, yet existent thanks to somebody doing something in a public library utility closet after hours.  These recordings are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

02. Local Customs: Pressed/Dubbed/Burned At Boddie 2LP/CD
Whenever we think about the amount of time we spend listening to stuff that’s absolutely no good at all, our mothers get sudden chest pains and have to sit down wherever they are.  Here’s a collection of stuff we found in a warehouse.  Believe it or not, these 15 or so tracks are better than like 5,000 other tracks.  And we only pressed 1,000 of these because we’re insane.  These recordings are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

01. Boddie Recording Company: Cleveland, Ohio 5LP/3CD
We spent six years putting this together.  We are the kind of people who spend six years putting something like this together.  It’s fucking crazy.  At the end of the year every year, we have to make lists about what we just did because we literally cannot fucking believe it.  You know how hard we worked on this?  And then it’s THIS.  That is so fucking crazy.  We worked so hard to make this happen, not a one of us even has any idea what music even IS anymore.  Please.  Please help us.  Buy this thing we did.  We don’t know why we did it or even really what it IS.  Just please.  Please please. 

These recordings are remastered and available for the first time ever, and we’d give them probably like a 7 out of 10.  But: check out the packaging, and what a story.

00. Little Ann: Deep Shadows LP
Do us a favor and pretend we put this out.

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: NPR MUSIC’S TOP 50 ALBUMS OF 2011

Oh, are you fucking kidding me, NPR?  50 fucking albums?  You expect us to give 50 albums worth of a shit about what you guys think?  And you’re not going to rank them in any kind of an order?  Are these albums in Album Montessori School or something?  All fucking FIFTY of these albums are equally good?  Does that mean that all the other albums that aren’t on the list are equally good in the "51st best to infinity-est best" category?  How fucking DIPLOMATIC of you pricks.  I hope Michelle Bachman does something about this when she’s president.

Adele, 21: Amy Winehouse’s body isn’t even cold yet, guys.  Who’s this Adele?  Is she even on meth?  Is her face at least rotting?  Tell me why I should care about a jazzy crooner lady whose face is not melting.

Alexandre Tharaud, Scarlatti: Sonatas: Probably like my twentienth favorite collection of Sonatas this year.  NPR really has their head up their asses on this one.

Antlers, Burst Apart: Oh wow, a shitty album of heartfelt shitty indie pop that nobody else is really talking about.  Nice deep pull, NPR.  No.

Ashton Shepherd, Where Country Grows: YouTube put up an ad for "The Scottish Plumber" before this video loaded.  Huge thumbs up for The Scottish Plumber and all the great work they do pumping rivers of human shit to and from people’s houses.  I feel like there’s some sort of analogy I can make here to the music of Ashton Shepherd, but I can’t quite wrap my industrial-strength human shit gloves around it.

Ballake Sissoko & Vincent Segal, Chamber Music: No, thank you.

Beirut, The Rip Tide: No.

Beyonce, 4: No.

Bombino, Agadez: I listen to this and I just think "good for them," you know?  If I had a civil war and no air-conditioning, I wouldn’t be able to get out of BED, much less start up a whole new music genre that sounds completely the same as itself at all times.  That said, I’m extra glad I have this watered-down version of Tuareg Rock to buy on CD at Starbucks, because that Group Inerane stuff on Sublime Frequencies is just too nasty (pronounced with a Galifianakis lisp on the "s" in nasty).

Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver: NOOO!!!

Book Of Mormon, Cast Recording: No, but okay, I mean we all know you’re NPR so by all means.

Bright Eyes, The People’s Key: Never.

Brooklyn Rider Brooklyn Rider Plays Philip Glass: A string quartet playing Phillip Glass music?  Color me intrigued.  I’ve always been a fan of Glass’s sense of texture, and… sorry, guys.  I just walked past a college.

Captain Black Big Band, Captain Black Big Band: I would say that big band jazz is back, you guys, but we all know it never left!

Civil Wars, Barton Hallow: I’m excited for the encroaching popularity of Neu-grass.  I was watching TV the other day so of course one of the country music awards was happening, and some of the artists were young dirtbag-looking people, and I was glad.  Country is way better when it’s ugly.

Colin Stetson, New History Warfare, Vol. 2: Judges: One of the primary motivators for this list seems to be "can we use this as interstitial music that will make whatever we’re trying to say on NPR seem more idea-y and important?"  I actually like this, it’s a great collection of pretentious experimo-electro jazz that both indicates and embodies culture without being too clever about it, plus it’s got a ballsy "long lost saxophone player for Suicide" quality.  I would be super into if I were stoned in a comfortable chair and he was playing live in my own living room (other less ideal scenarios present immediate difficulties which would be fatal to my potential enjoyment).  But as recorded music, this Colin Stetson album’s number one asset is that any given 20 seconds of it would be totally fucking excellent at subliminally convincing me that somebody on All Things Considered just said something interesting.

Cormorant, Dwellings: At NPR, even our taste in metal is progressive.

Brooklyn Rider make a stunning bid to play cocktail hour at some rich asshole’s wedding.

Davila 666, Tan Bajo: Never would have popped up on the NPR radar if not for the condescending "multicultural" angle, but I’ll take a little actual awareness of the kind of shit that’s good wherever I can get it.

Demdike Stare, Tryptych: Is there a more pretentious word in the English language than "triptych?"  This sounds like the work of somebody who uses that word in regular conversations without using the caveat of "I know this sounds ridiculous, but it’s a…"  And also that conversation is between them and somebody who didn’t even remotely ask.

Donnacha Dennehy, Gra Agus Bas: Sounds like one of those middle eastern yelling things that the ragheads listen to.  I’m kidding of course.  Ragheads would never listen to this.  It’s for white people.  It’s actually an Irish composer.  Which is great because it lets white people seem smugly and condescendingly multicultural without having to actually give money to a brown person.  Bonus: it’s actually pretty good if you have a Julian Cope-esque stomach for modern "composer" stuff.

Ebene Quartet, Fiction: You’ll just love this.  It’s a string quartet doing all of the songs from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.  I think it’s darling, and it might just be the best album of ninteen ninety NEVER.

Eric Church, Chief: Alright, middle America.  Please don’t cut our funding.  We’re just regular people like you.  See?  We like country music about getting stoned.  What?  You don’t like that?  Why, because it’s not about Jesus?  My God, you people are sheep.  Please don’t cut our funding, though.  Look: this is the best we can do.  Just try and meet us halfway, here.

Frank Ocean, Nostalgia, Ultra: No.

Fucked Up, David Comes To Life: No.

Girl In A Coma, Exits And All The Rest: Hey, a new one!  Oh.  No.

Glenn Jones, The Wanting: Now’s as good a time as any to ask what the fuck is going on over at Thrill Jockey.  Actually, I think I know.  Thrill Jockey seemingly has always existed to put out music that’s "interesting" but not quite fun, and that used to be Tortoise and glitch and now it’s droning psychedelia and Fahey guitar picking.  Ah ha ho.  Mystery solved.

Gretchen Parlato, The Lost And Found: It’s a jazz singer with a side mullet.  Pretty unspectacular.  What is not unspectacular is the extreme difference between technical proficiency and complete lack of taste inherent in the drum solo in this.

James Blake, James Blake: I always had a kneejerk reaction against this guy because his name reminds me of James Blunt, so I was always just like "yuck!  Stay away!"  So I just now bravely dropped that senseless prejudice in order to check out this guy’s YouTubes, and it turns out he’s exactly fucking James Blunt.  Nice trick, buddy.  Now I know to trust my completely unfair and arbitrary avoidance instincts and just accept that for every wrong there are at least ten time-saving rights.

Joseph Calleja, The Maltese Tenor (Decca): Like for instance right now, I’m just gonna take this guy at his word and assume he’s a tenor from Malta and send him on his merry way.

Julianna Barwick, The Magic Place: If you ever want your living room to sound like the inside of a museum so you can achieve that special kind of pass-out-at-6pm museum exhausted without leaving the house, I’ve got just the thing.

June Tabor, Ashore: Oh good, some light piano ambient Irish librarian soul croons!  NO!

Kendrick Lamar, Section.80: If you want to know what this sounds like, go to a store that sells $300 men’s shoes.

King Creosote & Jon Hopkins, Diamond Mine: "Beautiful" melodramatic caterwauling for the middle aged academic for whom Coldplay is too much rock.

Thanks to Julianna Barwick, my feet are sore, my eyes are sweaty, and I want to sit down.

La Vida Boheme, Nuestra: Finally there’s Ratatat in Spanish.

London Philharmonic Orchestra, Symphony 2 (Mahler, Jurowski): No thank you.

Los Rakas, Chancletas Y Camiseta Bordada: If you want to know what this sounds like, go to a store that sells $300 men’s shoes in Mexico City.

Miguel Zenon, Alma Adentro: The Puerto Rican Songbook: Come on, guys.  You clearly just put this on the list because it says "Puerto Rican" in the title.  It’s smooth jazz.

PJ Harvey, Let England Shake: Kudos for actually mentioning the person that those other albums are trying to emulate, but no.

Radiohead, King Of Limbs: No fucking way.

Roots, undun: No.

Shabazz Palaces, Black Up: Druggy electro-beat hip hop by "Butterfly" from Digable Planets released on Sub Pop.  It should by all rights be, more than anything else I’ve heard so far, the most credible obligatory "street"(black) artist album of the year on every white rock guy’s list.  This is pretty much an excellent thing that fuckin’ NPR just taught me about, and 17 year old me could not be more ashamed right now.  You will hear it in a place that sells $300 sneakers.

Sonny Rollins, Road Shows Vol 2: As the "last living legit jazz guy," 80 year old Rollins gets the hero treatment just for still being capable of blowing through a saxophone because it’s like "he’s the last living legit jazz guy, so that had to be legit.  FYI: I’m not sure I actually like jazz, but I am sure that I’m supposed to."

St. Vincent, Strange Mercy: No.

STS, The Illustrious: You know what my beef is with hip hop?  Once you take away the beat, it’s basically just shitty slam poetry.  The best hip hop is stuff that people would be offended by if you did at a slam poetry night.  Like talking about killing people and selling drugs and fucking bitches and dropping n-bombs in a nonchalant way.  Or else it’s lyrically and/or technically so fucking nuts that it transcends slam poetry and becomes something enjoyable.  Slam poetry is a motherfucking hard thing to transcend, you guys.  Slam poetry is the worst.

Tim Hecker, Ravedeath, 1972: I’m glad that the "experimental modern pretentious horseshit" genre has not gone overlooked in 2011, but NO.

Tom Waits, Bad As Me: No.

Tommy Guerrero, Lifeboats & Follies: This is one of the guys from The Search For Animal Chin skate movie that I thought was hot shit when I was like 9 years old.  Apparently he’s got a second career as a Money Mark-esque instrumental funkateer.  What a story.  "At what point is there a synergy between your skateboarding and playing guitar?" -Terry Gross.  "Zzzzzzzz." -Me.

tUnE-yArDs, w h o k i l l: No.

Wilco, The Whole Love: No.

Wye Oak, Civilian: No.

GRADE: REGULAR PERSON F+, NPR PERSON A+++

Like a regular homeless “Here Comes Santa Claus” saxophone guy, but legit.

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: CLIFF CHENFIELD, HUFFINGTON POST

Chenfield gets huge points for coming right out and saying that he’s just paying the bills with a list of shitty easy-listening stuff for people who hate music but want to pretend they love music.  Or, as he puts it, "this list is meant for those who want to hear new music but don’t get a chance to discover as much as they’d like."  You know, people with kids.  "I generally don’t include releases that have received a good deal of attention (Adele) or music that might be too inaccessible for those with limited time."  Great.  Great job pandering, Cliff Chenfield.  I now feel like it’s okay that I don’t know anything about music other than that Adele has been receiving a lot of attention.  But I didn’t really know that, and anytime I don’t know something it makes me feel vulnerable and therefore defiant because I’m an insufferable Huffington Post reader, so that’s setting me up to take you more seriously.  I am now ready to hear your opinions about what I should check out in between other things I am busy doing because they’re important and I’m important.

Foo Fighters: Wasting Light. Wait, WHAT?  Didn’t you just get done telling me how important I am?  Foo Fighters?  What am I to think of this?  I don’t remember anybody telling me to check out this year’s Foo Fighters album.  But here Cliff Chenfield just told me that’s because I’m busy doing important things all the time, so I guess I better investigate this potential hidden (in plain sight) gem.  Huh.  No, that’s just generic alternative music from 1995.  I mean, I haven’t been THAT busy.  I had a whole twenties, even.

Lykke Li: Wounded Rhymes. Cliff!  What is going on here, buddy?  I’ve already heard of Lykke Li when her first shitty album came out, believe it or not.  I went and checked and this YouTube has 8 million hits!  So much for not including "releases that have received a good deal of attention."  How is knowledge of this, her second shitty album, at all flattering to my sense of self?  I am a chicken little of a smug know-it-all progressive shitsucker, and I demand to have my intelligence implicitly praised with every byte of blog that sexy 60-something redhead can muster.  Bjork 2 is not getting the job done.

Lissie: Catching A Tiger. Cliff!  "A 2010 release that I missed."  COME ON.  YOU MISSED IT.  GAME OVER.  PLEASE REFER BACK TO YOUR OWN COLUMN TITLE.  I have the sneaking suspicion that your description of me as somebody who has a lot of better things to do than pay attention to music is really more of a description of yourself, Cliff Chenfield.  Because this is the third ubiquity-level collection of MOR pop mediocrity you’ve unleashed on me, and it’s not even from this whole year.

Dawes: Nothing Is Wrong. Cliff says "It seems like every year an album comes out from young bearded dudes that evokes the Band, Neil Young and that soulful, country influenced folk-rock of the early ’70s."  I think I’m starting to understand his writing style.  He means "completely rips off and is less good than" instead of "evokes."  This is music for the kind of person who gets a season pass to the outdoor venue where the clientele can most accurately be described as "competitive picnickers who care more about the conspicuousness of their own culture consumption than they do about the subtle musical differences between Yo Yo Ma, the Gypsy Kings, and Jacob Dylan solo acoustic."  Ok, now I understand what you mean by "busy."  You mean "asshole."  That’s me to a tee!  Now we’re starting to get back on track.  You must try some of this Chablis from my $70 Williams-Sonoma collapsible stemware.  This misunderstanding was all my fault, Cliff.

BJORK 2.

Danger Mouse: Rome. "Danger Mouse is about the grooviest guy around."  GREAT!  You can ask my 15 year old daughter.  She will tell you, I LOVE groovy guys.  I took her to see Santana and Matchbox 20 a couple of years ago and she just had the BEST time.  She’s still talking about it.  All the time.

Swedish House Mafia: Save The World (Single). "Dance music took over the world in 2011 and became mainstream."  News to me!  You’re the man, Cliff!  Ha HA!  WHere do you come UP with ’em?!

Various artists: Red Hot + Rio 2. My Goodness!  This genre of music that I’ve never heard of before now is so joyful, I’m surprised it hasn’t had six or seven comebacks in the last 50 years!  Keep ’em coming, Cliff Chenfield!

St. Vincent: Strange Mercy. Whoa!  I know you said that you wanted to include artists that haven’t been getting too much attention, Cliff, but this is some VERY experimental stuff here.  This should come with a warning that says "WARNING: NOT FOR EVERYONE!"  Don’t worry Cliff, I’m still with you.  After all you did say that this St. Vincent person is "worth spending time with," so I kind of knew what I might have been getting myself into with this one.  For the record, I think she is wonderful, BUT: definitely NOT for the faint of heart, people!!!

Cliff says this guy is the grooviest.

The Strokes: Angles. I DID NOT LIKE this band when they came out.  At ALL.  But it turns out as usual you’re right, Cliff.  They are DEFINITELY headed in the right direction.  I can’t wait to hear what they come up with next.

Antlers: Burst Apart. I can just tell that there is so much music out there that I’ve never even HEARD of and it’s GREAT.  Like this one here, Cliff.  I would not even give it a second GLANCE if I didn’t have to you guide me, and here I am, just loving every minute of this.  It’s just got such a cool sound, I can tell not many people know about it and I gotta admit it feels pretty COOL that I’m one of them now.  It’s kind of like an Eagles meets Steely Dan kind of a thing.  God, I haven’t thought of Steely Dan in YEARS.  Can I look at it on your computer?  Put up a YouTube of it.  Steely Dan.  No not that one.  Pull up… what was their big hit?  Let’s see…  You don’t mind, do you?

Veronica Falls: Veronica Falls. Wow.  This is VERY far out there, Cliff.  I’m not sure I can agree with you on this one.  I can’t even HEAR what’s going on!  It just sounds like a MESS!  Like that punk rock thing I always thought was so scary.  WHAT?  You were INTO some of that stuff?  Ok, whatever you say Mister MOHAWK.  Man, you are bar none my craziest new friend, Cliff.

Metronomy: The Look (Single). Ok, it’s called "Two Against Nature."  Steely Dan.  S-T-E-E-L-Y Dan.  Dan like the guy’s name.  Yeah that’s the one.  I got it a few years ago because they won the Grammy.  I gotta tell you this might be my favorite album of the last ten years.  It is THAT good.  You have GOT to listen to it.  What’s that?  Oh I didn’t know they even MADE singles.  A HA HA HA HO HO HA HO!  You’re the MAN, Cliff!  Cliff, this is great!

Dropkick Murphys: Going Out In Style. I was JUST going to say it sounds like the song from The Departed!  Are you kidding me, I LOVE that movie!  It’s probably my favorite film directed by Martin Scoressessi.  I have seen it LITERALLY a dozen times.  You know that part where they pull out at the end and then you see there’s a rat on the ledge?  PHENOMENAL.  Phenomenal movie.

Noel Gallagher’s: High Flying Birds. Man, this is great too!  Hey listen, buddy, can we wrap this up?  I have a conference call with BisNow I have to jump on in like ten minutes, I haven’t even had a chance to look at the numbers.  I tell you what, can you just email the rest of the list to me and I’ll print it out and read it on the train?  Thanks, buddy.

Probably my favorite movie.

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: GREG KOT, CHICAGO TRIBUNE, NPR’S "SOUND OPINIONS"

1. Wild Flag, “Wild Flag” (Merge): Fans of Wild Flag might also enjoy: Best Coast, White Fence, Youth Lagoon, Future Islands, Gold Panda, High Places, Idle Times, Wild Beasts, Warm Ghost, Royal Bangs, Big Troubles, Girls Names, Cold Cave, Brilliant Colors, Wet Hair, Deep Pets, Dumb Bird, Long Wall, Good Kick, Hard Bard, Slim Tush, Mute Mule, Teen Pope, Huge Tube, Big Gulp, and Cold Play.

2. The Roots, “Undun” (Def Jam): The Roots are like the Chicago of hip hop.  Apparently Greg Kot really likes Roots 17.  (That’s the one with "Hard Habit To Break" on it.)

3. Tune-Yards, “Whokill” (4AD): Uh, it’s pronounced "tUnE-YarDs," as in "you actually LIKE this band?  What are you, tUnE-YarDed?"

4. Van Hunt, “What Were You Hoping For?” (Godless Hotspot): I looked this up because I didn’t know what it was, and this guy got real pissy about being dropped from his major label deal 4 years ago.  That’s hilarious.

5. F— Up, “David Comes to Life” (Matador): The best thing about this band is how people like Greg Kot have to say they’re fans of "F’ed Up."  Somebody should start a band called "F’ed Up."  It’s a better band name anyway.  And also probably a better band.

6. Feelies, “Here Before” (Bar/None): It’s weird when people are just like "I have decided I like this band" and they just keep on buying everything that band puts out forever and ever and then end up discussing it to bored other people as if it’s perfectly natural to wait with baited breath for the new Mission of Burma album even though you and all their other fans are 40+ years old, and whenever they rumble their way to a conclusion about the new album, it’s "they still got it."  I mean sure, The Feelies, good band, but if you’re saying "still got it" about somebody else and you mean it, what you’re really saying is "I still got it."  And when you’re not kidding when you say that, it makes everybody else sad because you’re too old to still keep track of who had what when and the pointlessness of that reminds us we’re all going to die.

7. Raphael Saadiq, “Stone Rollin’ ” (Columbia): I was gonna run and go look this up real quick to make sure I didn’t make an ass out of myself by making fun of something that’s actually great, but then I realized I’m already an ass and also the reason I know about this in the first place is because Greg Kot told me about it.  I guess Raphael Saadiq is a nu-soul singer and according to himself he is "Stone Rollin.’"

Ball’s in your court, world.

8. The Bewitched Hands, “Birds & Drums” (Look Mum No Hands): Look at that label name again.  Stare at it.  Soak it in.  "Debut album available now on Look Mum No Hands!"  Which sounds to me (I’m not investigating) like it’s probably a download-only label.  Actually, I want that to be the case.  I want Greg Kot to think he’s really up on the next big thing because he’s totally in touch with what’s going on at all the download-only labels.  He’s gonna discover the next Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.  Ok, I’m curious.  Turns out they’re really on Sony, which pretty much is a giant download-only label.

9. Das Racist, “Relax” (Greedhead): Greg Kot says "If anyone emerges as the new Millennium’s answer to De La Soul, this combo has the inside track."  I hope to God he is right because SOMEBODY BETTER HAVE AN ANSWER TO DE LA SOUL SOON.  IT’S 2012, YOU GUYS, AND THE WORLD IS GOING TO END WITHOUT ANSWERING TO DE LA SOUL.  STAKES IS HIGH.

10. Fleet Foxes, “Helplessness Blues” (Sub Pop): I heard these guys are gonna get together with The Shins and Sufjan Stevens for a "Monsters of Soft Cock Rock" Tour, and I’m fucking amped.  Dude, have you heard that song "I Want Your Limp Dick In Me"?  It’s the Soft Cock Rock song of the century.  I can’t even listen to that thing without cranking it all the way down.

11. Lydia Loveless, “Indestructible Machine” (Bloodshot): Not the famous movie star with the similar name, but it does also suck.  Kudos to the artists involved for the extremely descriptive album cover.  It depicts the exact feeling you get when you see somebody on a $40,000 custom motorcycle, or watch one of those reality shows about the people who get really dramatic about working in a tattoo parlor, or go alone to a bar in the suburbs because it’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving at your Girlfriend’s parents house and you end up talking to the unblinking meth head bartender about Aerosmith for 25 straight minutes.  In case you’re wondering, Bloodshot is the Chicago "local indie" label for the remaining non-Wilco constellation of lesser dad rock stars, and this selection is a stab at "local indie" cred for the Chicago-based Kot.

12. TV on the Radio, “Nine Types of Light” (Interscope): This is my new favorite URL address of all time.

13. Sam Phillips, “Solid State: Songs from the Long Play” (Littlebox): I am astounded that anybody who makes music for a living would call themselves Sam Phillips and not be Sam Phillips or discover Elvis even a little bit. 

14. St. Vincent, “Strange Mercy” (4AD): There’s a whole subgenre of music I don’t like called "I love her voice," where everybody who’s into it says "I love her voice" and shakes their head like they’re sipping a fine wine and want you to know they understand how good it is.  These people also love Prius commercials, athletic-style baby strollers, and those Starbucks rewards cards that they can swipe at the register so they don’t have to say their painfully specific coffee order out loud because "they always get it wrong" but also because "I secretly hate it when I talk as much as everybody else does."

15. Tom Waits, “Bad as Me” (Anti): I sometimes wonder if there’s ever going to be nostalgia for 90’s design.  Remember those things that you crossed your eyes and then a vaguely dog-like outline popped out of the paper?  Those made me nauseous.  They’re due for a comeback.  The cover art on this Tom Waits album from 2011 looks like it’s a Candlebox album from 1996.

16. Danger Mouse & Daniele Luppi, “Rome” (Capitol): Apparently this is also "Starring Jack White and Norah Jones."  People talk about how bad things are in the music industry, but bloated douchebag artists like this are still getting huge, huge amounts of money to make something that nobody gives a shit about (at the #16 slot, even Greg Kot is having a hard time pretending) so things can’t be all that bad.  This is the type of horseshit that they invent a new Grammy category for just so it can get a Grammy.

This t-shirt is an original. From the Permanent Vacation tour.

17. Anna Calvi, “Anna Calvi” (Domino): See also: St. Vincent, except this time when people say "I love her voice" they mean her artistic voice.  They clarify this distinction because they want to make sure you know they’re a fuckwad.

18. Cymbals Eat Guitars, “Lenses Alien” (Barsuk): Am I almost done with this list yet?

19. Le Butcherettes, “Sin Sin Sin” (Rodriguez Lopez): Garbage.  The band.  Remember Garbage the band?  They were also garbage the garbage.

20. Low, “C’Mon” (Sub Pop): It’s always great when a boring band has been together being boring for so long that their boring songs really have that boring lived-in feel, you know?  When you hear it, you just know that the depth of boring is just there without any boring effort, and you don’t need to waste boring words on how boring it is, you can just sit back and feel the boredom.  It’s like catching up with an old boring friend.  No matter how long you’ve been apart, everything just falls right back into its boring place.

GRADE: F-

Have you heard the new Tom Waits album?

BEST OF THE BEST OF 2011: THE ONION A.V. CLUB

25. Florence + the Machine "Ceremonial": One time this summer when I was super hungover, my girlfriend and I watched some cut rate post-Lollapalooza series of promotional interviews show on one of those regular-TV channels that’s only possible when you don’t have cable, like "NBC 3" or something.  I think it was the same one as all the snowboarding things.  I don’t have cable because I don’t want to pay extra money just to be able to pretend that the "better" TV shows aren’t still fucking awful.  Regular TV is way better at being fucking awful anyway, and that’s what TV is for.  Anyway, on this interview show there were all these bands that looked like Abercrombie catalogs and they were being treated like some kind of actual existing attention-worthy thing by the payola-bot interviewers, and I was like "wow, I’ve never heard of any of these bands, and apparently according to this show they’re real real famous."  One was this band.  The name sounds fake, and I think there’s a guy who looks like David Byrne crossed with the Gary Oldman character from Fifth Element crossed with the second guy from Cheaters.  Based on no information but that which I am creating in my own brain from one half-remembered shitty TV show, I think they have a full-time violin player, which means they suck.

24. Washed Out "Within and Without": There was a ton of promo material for this, and there was a piece with the nine letters of "Washed Out" arranged in a box.  "Was Hed Out."  I can’t remember a single person (not even a stupid person) talking about this album all year.  As far as I’m concerned it was just a poster.

23. Britney Spears "Femme Fatale": I’m sure it’s great.

22. Saigon "The Greatest Story Never Told":  This is where these lists come in pretty handy.  I don’t care enough about hip hop to do anything but take people’s word on the top one or two releases of the year, and then it’s usually like, "ok, guys, this is pretty good, but I’m still embarrassed about enjoying it because I’m 32 years old."  Hip Hop is in real bad shape right now.  Maybe not in general, but to me.  It could be in an international golden age and I wouldn’t know or care.  I’m 32 years old.

21. Iceage "New Brigade": It’s strange that this is the "weird/underground punk" group that got all the hype this year.  The party line on this is it’s like four teenage boys from Denmark, right?  I actually listened to this one all the way through at one point.  I don’t remember anything about it.  I do know that there are at least 15 better 2011 albums than this that tickle the same exact pleasure centers, but I guess "four teenage boys from Denmark" captures the popular imagination as a hip-seeming thing to say about a band you like.  You tell people that information and some obscure adolescent dopamine-receptor starts buzzing because that knowledge fools the world into thinking like your ear is so close to the ground you personally go to church basement punk shows in Copenhagen instead of just reading about things on the internet like everybody else.

20. Telekinesis "12 Desperate Straight Lines": I hadn’t even heard of this.  I read the review and it made me gag.  "Singing drummer Michael Lerner teamed up with Death Cab For Cutie’s Chris Walla to make Lines, an unabashedly catchy record about a soul-crushing breakup."  That description sounds like it’s a blog that nobody reads instead of an album.  Oh poor poor singing drummer Michael Lerner.  His soul is crushed.  Why the fuck is everything so confessional these days?  Haven’t people caught on that "baring your soul" doesn’t work as an attention-grabbing technique?  What happened to good old-fashioned shame?  I don’t give a fuck about this guy’s crushed soul.  Matter of fact, I hope she left him for an F-to-M tranny because "I wanted to be with a real man."

19. Cloud Nothings "Cloud Nothings": No really, that’s what you’re calling your "music project?"  Fuck off.

18. Destroyer "Kaputt": Oh right, he did an album this year.  Is it just me, or does Dan Bejar seem a little "handsy?"

17. Wild Flag "Wild Flag": Haven’t actually listened to it because it’s more fun that way.  It’s like in 1997 being the one person who hasn’t seen Titanic and people are like "wait, you haven’t seen ‘Titanic’?!"  And you’re like "yeah, they fall in love but the boat sinks anyway because it’s the fucking Titanic, and they go to the tip of the boat and spread their arms and Celine Dion screams a high note, I get it."  And now 15 years later nobody can really believe that everybody was so insane over that movie at the time.  But: this could actually be great for all I know.  I think it’s probably not great, but at least a step in the right direction, and it’s always good when ladies get some rockin’ done.  I like how it’s a rock-chick supergroup with that one lady from The Minders.  The Minders were underrated.

16. Yuck "Yuck": I was kind of wondering what the deal is with this band, and apparently they’re British guys going for a shoegaze reheat.  There’s surprisingly a lot of interest in reviving the genre these days.  I’m glad for anything with loud guitars in it, but do not have good associations with the word "shoegaze."  It was an insult that somebody came up with as a euphemism for "boring," and got appropriated and run with.  And this is attempting a generational-dilution reboot, which means it’s original boring plus fashion boring.

15. Frank Ocean "Nostalgia, Ultra": Oh, he’s one of the Odd Future guys.  I don’t understand much about the Odd Future phenomenon.  I think they’re supposed to be like the Wavves of hip hop.  In other words the Beastie Boys.  Which is maybe great.  If I could be in any band ever I’d be a Beastie Boy.  Those guys have spent their entire lives just doing fucking NOTHING.

Florence and her Money-Making Machine

14. Paul Simon "So Beautiful Or So What": Boring, but he’s on the Mt. Rushmore of boring.  He’s got a right.

13. Drake "Take Care": Hey, is there an R&B singer named David Justice, or in that a mashup of two different dudes names that my brain is forcing me to think about because of the baseball player?  I bet Halle Berry is fucking batshit crazy and that "sex addict" guy (not David Justice) cheated on her because she was a hassle and a half.  Wait, was David Justice married to Halle Berry?  What about that time Left Eye from TLC burned down Andre Rison’s house and then died?  She’s dead, right?  Shhh.  You guys.  Pretend I just said something interesting about Drake.

12. Tom Waits "Bad As Me": Tom Waits has a rabid fanbase, and he’s reissuing all his older material on vinyl for like $30 an LP, which is actually more than the originals cost if you’re patient and know where to look.  I don’t blame Waits for this because his fans are collectively the one guy who you absolutely don’t want to get stuck talking to at any given party on Earth.  He should make those reissue LPs cost like $50 and then reissue them again five years later for like $8 a piece just for fun.

11. TV On The Radio "Nine Types Of Life": This band does nothing for me.  I saw them play a few years ago and couldn’t figure out why exactly they weren’t doing it for me, and I basically came up with "because I’m a racist."  Nice.  Thanks a lot, guys.  Your songs are boring enough that they send me into a shame spiral because I’ve got nothing better to do with my braintime.

10. The Decembrists "The King Is Dead": Saw them by accident in like 2002 and I was cry-yawning.

9. Jay-Z and Kanye West "Watch The Throne": The amount of money and critical success these guys rake in at all times seems to not make any sense.  They’re like the 2007 subprime mortgage bond market of human beings.  That’s what fame is like these days: completely untethered to reality, buoyed by some weird derivatives (Vodka sponsorship) that nobody really understands, and "too big to fail."

8. St. Vincent "Strange Mercy": What’s the story with her?  She’s like PJ Harvey 2.0, right?  Or can she sing?

Wild Flag are the kings of the world.

7. Real Estate "Days": Everybody who wrote anything about this album listened to it, right?  All the way through?  I find that totally impossible to believe.

6. Weekend "House of Balloons": Dillinger had it right.  The only way to make good music when you’re on coke is to make the music about being on coke.  And even that’s not a sure thing.  I’m not going to listen to this.  Not worth it.

5. Wilco "The Whole Love": zzzzzzzz

4. Low "C’mon": zzzzzzzzz

3. Bon Iver "Bon Iver": ZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

2. Fucked Up "David Comes To Life": Why do we have to sneak rock into our popular music intake like booze into a movie theater?  Like teenagers dry humping in the backseat of the car while it’s still in the garage.  It’s ok, you guys.  We can all just rock.  We don’t have to pretend it’s pretty or be polite about it.  We’re adults, we can do whatever we want.  We don’t have to play fucking Apples to Apples with Aunt Barb anymore.

1. Wye Oak "Civilian": Probably another total zzzzzz-er, but like a snoozer with a mild case of cred that I am sensing for some reason.  Why?  I don’t know.  I want this to end now.

GRADE: F-
(by Ben Johnson)

Have you heard the new Drake album?

You know, talking about the current state of indie rock can be like a turd staring back at its own reflection, but as somebody that has been around for a while, I can honestly say that some of my favorite musicians are my friends. Truly.

I’ve known Jason Molina (of Songs:Ohia and Magnolia Electric Company fame) so long I can barely remember how I met him. I vividly remember helping him set up shows while he was on the road back in the late 90’s. While he was calling me on a pay phone. From Texas. Collect. And sure, he was always a bit weird, but JMo quickly became a friend.

The funny thing to keep in mind is how he’d beg me to never let up making fun of him in Chunklet or when he performed on stage. Amidst his songs of solipsism and ghosts, I always thought to myself how human he always wanted to be. Much like his country heroes, Jason had demons. And his demons caught up with him.

About two years ago, the phone calls started. Odd, disjointed phone calls. The kinds of phone calls where I’d remind myself to get a tape recorder to document the weirdness. Calls from Jason (who was living in London at the time) would wander aimlessly. The kinds of phone calls where you’d say to yourself "Is this a prank?" or "Is he okay?"

A tour with Will Johnson was scrubbed and then….

JMo. At the Bottletree. c Jonathan Purvis

About a year ago, it became abundantly aware to me what was going on. Jason is an addict.

It weighed heavy on me. I’d call his bandmates and mutual friends to get to the bottom of "what’s up with Jason." It appears that his drinking had caught up with him in monumental fashion. Rehab in England. Getting arrested. Drinking. Being flown back to the states by friends in Chicago so they could keep an eye on him.

It was then (about six months ago) that the calls from Jason became…..just…..desperate. Without knowing that he was even in Chicago (he was still using his UK phone), I’d get disjointed calls. He’d sing new songs to me. He’d cry. He’d pass out. He’d laugh. He’d remember some stupid random story about us singing a song together on stage in Virginia. More crying. Dead air. Drifting. And again, this wasn’t the JMo I knew. It bothered me then as it does now.

However, with respect to Jason, I didn’t make a public spectacle of it. It was Jason’s personal life, and I decided it best to honor his privacy. But this last week I checked the Magnolia Electric web site and realized that a (quasi) press release about Jason’s condition has been public for the last couple of months. But really, I still don’t think people know. And well, I just would hate to idly sit while Jason drinks himself into a coffin. So here I am rambling about my pal JMo on a Saturday night.

MagElCo. At the Bottletree. c Jonathan Purvis

Jason is sick. Apart from being an insanely talented and prolific musician, he’s truly a good guy. However, he’s got a problem with alcohol. And it’s destroying him.

Without boring you with the sordid details of his past few months, he’s at (yet another) rehab clinic. He’s now being attended to by family in West Virginia and is hopefully on the mend. Let’s hope. Or pray. Or whatever.

Please click on this link to read the Molina family’s press release (along with a Paypal link to donate $$$$). I know many outside the US will read this and fail to understand the fucked nature of the American health system, but he’s got to pay out of his pocket to get better. So there it is. He needs money.

So I’ll leave it at this. Jason Molina is not well. However, you could assist in his recovery.

I hope this helps.

I love you, Jason.

by Steve Birmingham

“Stage left and stage right are now opposite.”
– Stagehand instruction to soundman before Black Lips’ set

I’ll leave it to the Boomers to wax poetic about significant festival-based cultural tectonic shifts and just submit that the air was indeed charged with something besides the dust. For Texas residents, a degree of this is the ongoing release of surviving the hottest and driest “summer” on record. Perhaps it’s the week commencing with the birth of the 7th billion cretin, having Occupy Austin at City Hall just across Town Lake, or just the distinct civic pride in having headliner Slayer, metal’s numero uno, reverberating throughout your hometown (and no, it’s not a competition but I presume there’s been a “Big Four” reconfiguration at least since the Lulu LP).

John Reis & Rick Froberg – Hot Snakes

Undoubtedly, gentle Chunklet reader, you have heard about the Danzig diva fiasco and you’ve likely read festival booker Graham Williams’ devastating missive, so I would just add how surreal it was being in the crowd not yet having that backstory. Foremost, it’s gauche to be 45 minutes late with a 10pm city noise ordinance. Watching roadies dither with blue plastic tarp for makeshift wind shields was pure Keystone Kops. Surely that heater being lugged around had to be a special smoke machine that just looked like a space heater? Wow, no dice and no one packs Glenn a sweater or some emergency extra leather layers? Apparently it’s more about iconography than actual legacy, but am I the cheese here in thinking that Danzig could totally rock a Cosby sweater? Perhaps Spencer Moody of preceding act the Murder City Devils would have lent Glenn his red Elmer Fudd hat and knit sweater hadn’t the MCDs been banished from looking on from their side of the stage?

Maybe the real historic footnote was the sublime joy of Danzig’s demand for “French onion soup” becoming a universal pejorative/goof (and at no fault of the cheesy broth).  The phrase became a communal bonding agent and a running punch line for the likes of The Damned, Black Lips, Hot Snakes, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, Slayer, and Brian Posehn (whose Danzig impression is on YouTube). I believe the phrase “French onion soup” will endure in the Western lexicon as much as “Let them eat cake” and “Heckuva job!”

Black Lips

SOME THOUGHTS – NOW WITH BOLDFACE NAME DROPPING:

Best Crowd Surfing: The gong belonging to Boris.

Proper way to pronounce San Francisco-based “Girls”: Repeat three times à la Vince Neil.

Sightings of Note: Director and Austin resident Terrence Malick (a previously Halley’s Comet-like likelihood) and a delightfully grizzled Wayne Coyne.

Lost Opportunity:  I think I could tolerate Clap Your Hands Say Yeah if only twins Lee and Tyler Sargent would both dress like Eddie Munster. Seeing these stone-faced fellas in purple velvet britches might just be the zazz this band needs.

He Just Likes The 512: Austin-based comedian and Fun Fun Fun Fest staple Matt Bearden is one of the finest purveyors of sharp-witted long-form routines but he won’t be traveling to a city near you.

Unexpected Feeling of Yore: Between Joe Lally’s dulcet bass, drums & cello outfit to Wugazi wafting in the air, a bona fide Fugazi jones snuck up on me.

This was Spoon’s only show for 2011 (save their previous night’s gig at Austin’s East side ND venue). This will hopefully be the next big trend for a whole host of bands.

I’ll admit to having a soft spot for Leslie Hardy’s haunted house electric organ in the Murder City Devil’s, which also nicely complimented MCD’s cluster of cobwebs in their rehearsal-esque set.

Rhetorical to Cannibal Corpse’s George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher: Can I be less impressed with your sizable pit since you spend so much time instructing your fans to make a bigger pit?

Really Needs a Copy of The Rock Bible: The dude from Budos Band (no, you Google his name) who garnered nothing (except my sympathy) by uttering from the stage, “How many people know this song? Let’s get excited, people!”

A “Yes, I’m an old fart with impaired hearing” moment: Walking past Odd Future’s about-to-start set and thinking pre-performance audience chants of “Woflgang” were cries of “Bullshit.”

How To Temporarily Deflate Odd Future’s Machismo Veneer: Toss a dildo on stage. Presto! Just that easy.

I’m iffy about reunions and this was their 35th Anniversary Tour, but The Damned crushed my expectations with a commanding set that began with playing their Damned Damned Damned LP. Cheeky monkeys Captain Sensible and Dave Vanian are also oddly well preserved.

Hotter Than Lion Piss: As a “Born in ‘69er,” I invariably feel I’m too old for festivals and maybe I am since a lot of the stuff the kids are into is lost on me (eyes on you Neon Indian). But then Hot Snakes reunite, deliver the best set of the Fest, and the pure power of rock-n-roll’s liberating glory courses through me. Rick Froberg’s voice was “holy fucking shit” unwavering and guitarist John Reis, bassist Gar Wood and both drummers Jason Kourkounis and Mario Rubalcaba are still tighter than bark on trees.

Chunklet’s Rock-n-Roll Superchamp Spirit of 2011 Award goes to Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Although clearly fighting something this side of SARS, Ted Leo both shamed and saluted Danzig by rising to the occasion and delivering no less than the full on, vim and vigor Ted Leo and the Pharmacists experience through sheer force of will, grit, passion, rock-n-roll heart, and probably a fair amount of dying inside. Whether affably quoting Paul Stanley or being so goddamn genuine and self-deprecatingly charming that he can say, “If I falter, please help me out [by singing along]” and have us feeling that we’re all in this together. I mean, re-read that “if I falter” quote. At face value, it would otherwise make you feel pretty punchy, right? It’d be something like Chris Martin would say on cue. And then donning a sleeveless “T” and a devilock wig (which I had heretofore erroneously been calling “The Squiggy”) and slipping into his TV Casualty cover band mode, we were not denied our blistering Misfits moment. And at my risk of conjuring Bono, it felt even better than the real thing.

This is not to place Ted Leo too high upon a pedestal. Flaws must abound. Perhaps he’s too grounded?  He’s such a prolific artist yet he couldn’t conjure a productive cough. Hmm. Such a fine ear yet can he listen to his body? Ted, as Dame Julie Andrews said, “Those motherfuckin’ leeches will suck the minerals from your bones if you don’t give it a rest.” And a rhetorical to James Canty and Chris Wilson: “Are you supportive or enabling?” Hey, I kvetch because I care. Cheers.

[Apology to Chris: I swear that was not an intentional exploding pen prank. And ink staining one of your drumming hands, no less.]   *

Photos: Brian Birzer Photo Gallery

Glenn Danzig