This is torture.

And on a dissimilar note…..check the video below….

Let 2008 begin with us all confessing our transgressions.
Let us all declare out-loud, for the world to hear (ha! there’s a stretch) our shortcomings, faults, and down right sins against the zeitgeist.

Be they that which we should not like… but do,
Be they that which we should rightfully loath… but do not,
Be they all those dark secrets we hold down in the depths of our hipster souls –
Set them free and breathe deep the air of forgiveness and absolution.

Fore this is not about irony, kitsch, or the guitar player in a doom metal band that wears a Willie Nelson T-shirt. It’s about deep and meaningful repentance. It’s about healing. 

(ALSO – no armchair quarterbacking: confess your own sins before commenting on those of another) 

From Henry:
The Whitest Album That Were [Not Surprisingly]  Huge Hits in 2007
(tie)
Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
Iron and Wine – The Shepherd’s Dog

From Shane Gillis:
Everyone’s Top 10 Wishlist:
Wasabi flavored condoms
Co-Cola (any kind) with peanuts already added
2008 Cordoba convertible
Reversible halloween mask (Eric Idle on one side/Gene Wilder on the other)
Reversible Miss Magic Mouth (Jenna Jameson on one side/Kathy Bates on the other, for those weird druggy nights)
Trap doors beneath the feet of each presidential candidate during the debates
Mexican jumping black beans
HD Soap Channel
A time machine that would take us back to before people said "we’re pregnant."  You’re not giving birth, asshole.  She is.
A time machine that would take us back to before people named their kids shit like Tristain, Cody, and Tegan.

From Shane Gillis:
Top 10 Least Likely Ways To Die of Laughter:
Getting raped by a gang of sharp, rusty pecker Terminators
Watching the Soaps in HD
Having Liquid Heat fed into your catheter
Suffocating in fire ants
Listening to Larry the Plumber Guy or any of those other fuck handles
Getting tickled…unless it’s "to death"
Reformatting, converting, uploading, upgrading, restoring, fucking kill me.
Working at the fabric store
Reading Hemingway
Being forced to eat cleats

From Shane Gillis:
Top 10 Comebacks:
Steakums
Missionary Position (it’s been too long)
Skinny leg jeans
Dio era Sabbath
Gliders
Felching
Ecstasy-induced true love
Mercurochrome
Riopan Plus
Dinner and a movie, then double dongin’ it

From Henry:
Top Three Comedy Albums in 2007 That Everybody Should Hear Repeatedly
Patton Oswalt – Werewolves And Lollipops [Yes, there’s a conflict of interest here, but what blog doesn’t?]
Paul F. Tompkins – Impersonal
Jonah Ray – This Is Crazy Mixed Up Plumbing
[I should also add that aspecialthing is quickly gaining momentum to being quite a formidable comedy label alongside Stand Up Records.]

From Benn Ray:
Top 10 Celebrity Arrests/Jail Sentences

1. Senator Larry Craig
Not sure why trolling for sex (gay or straight) is a crime, but since he has supported anti-gay legislation and was busted for gay sex solicitation, and then pleaded guilty and then changed his story, and then refused to step down despite pressure from his fellow Republicans, Craig is the poster boy for Republican Hypocrisy.

2. Michael Vick
NFL Quarterback for Atlanta Falcons was busted for running a dogfighting operation. Odd. Professional atheletes are usually pretty upstanding citizens.

3. Lou Perlman
Former NSYNC and Backstreet Boys was arrested on fraud charges. In Indonesia. Putting allegedly the "Backstreet" in little boys.

4. Shai LeBeouf
The Transformers star was arrested for tresspassing in a Walgreens. He refused to leave. Very strange.

5. Ryan O’Neal
Was arrested for assualt with a deadly weapon. Nice!

6. Paris Hilton
Did time for parole violation for alcohol-related reckless driving.

7. Nicole Richie
Not to be outdone by her Surreal Life costar, Nicole also served a brief jail stint – while pregnant.

8. Keifer Sutherland
Most likely as some form of karmic payback for being a part of the wingnut porn that is 24, Sutherland did a stint in prison for a DUI.

9. Lindsay Lohan
After chasing the mother of her assistant in a car, Lohan was busted for drunken driving and cocaine possession.

10. Mischa Barton
When you’re young, blonde, marginally talented, and ridiculously skinny, there’s only one thing you can do for attention when your tv show (The OC) gets cancelled, and that’s get busted for a DUI like all the other blonde, skinny, untalented chicks on this list.

Honorable Mention: Mickey Rourke was busted for a DUI. Nice try, but you’re Mickey Rourke – we expect more from you. Take a que from Ryan O’Neal.

From Benn Ray:
Top 10 Celebrity Embarrassments Of 2007
1. David Hasselhoff’s can has cheezburger. He’s just too drunk to eat it. So his daughter videotapes it. Thanks!
2. Britney Spears’ VMA appearance and very public meltdown.
3. Alec Baldwin’s phone message to his daughter mysteriously finds its way off her cell phone and out for public consumption. Not sure why everyone thought this was bad, it made me like him even more. One of his best performances. Seriously, this goes up there with Glengarry Glenross and 30 Rock.
4. Meg White’s sex tape. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that she had to cancel the White Stripes tour due to exhaustion at the same time it hit the web. While I seem to be in the minority opinion on Alec Baldwin’s phone call, I also seem to be in the minority opinion on Meg too. I like to think it is her, and I’m all too happy to watch. I also think people really need to get over the obligatory knocking of her drumming everytime they try to write a White Stripes review. So what do I know?
5 – 7. Sherri Shepherd of The View:
A. Is not sure if the world is flat, nor does she care
B. Believes that Christ was evidently the first person. Ever.
C. Complains about difficulties of publicly beating her child.
8. Everyone who participated in Live Earth.
9. The trainwreck that is the life of Amy Winehouse. More and more she looks like an Alien.
10.  Tommy Lee gets bitch slapped by Kid Rock at MTVs VMA’s in an episode I like to call, "When Has-beens Can’t Hold Their Liquor."

From Ben Blackwell:
List of things I didn’t or couldn’t include on my lists for the Metro Times or Arthur:
1. The White Stripes Icky Thump
2. The Go Howl on the Haunted Beat You Ride
3. Blanche Little Amber Bottles
4. The Muldoons self-titled
5. The Art of the Band T-shirt
6. Trees Community The Christ Tree 4xCD reissue
7. Amy Winehouse Back to Black
8. Bo Diddley I’m a Man 2xCD reissue
9. Ghetto Brothers Power/Fuerza
10. Michael Yonkers Carbohydrates Hydrocarbons

1. Leaving some smart-ass comment under a fake name. That’s real bravery captain! Just think if Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech was signed: Posted by– m.k.dizzle.

2. Not being willing to back up your comment when threatened with physical violence (we could be the first ‘zine where someone kills a reader for being a little crying bitch—that’s what I call a reverse Dime-Bag Darrel). Please note: This isn’t the land of free speech. This is America; we settle things by fighting, asshole.

3. Taking the time to read through shit that is posted and then bagging on Henry (That really fucking pisses me off). A. He doesn’t give a shit and B. Start your own goddamn website you useless pussy.

4. Not actually writing something interesting or funny that I have to waste my time reading through. I don’t count reposting an ebaum link that everyone has seen a million times as being interesting or funny—it just proves how much time you spend on the web.

5. Writing some gay-ass comment about a shitty band I was in or the fact I have to slave away like an illegal alien yard blower promoting a club. Please do tell me more about how sad and disappointing my life has been! Honestly though, I’d much rather know about you–stuff like: I’m a pathetic, anti-social fuck who put way too much stock in my half-ass math rock band and never even really got to tour or travel. My mom died of lung cancer last year and I never thanked her for putting me through college. I am too goddamn bitter and ugly to attract a decent looking girl so I masturbate to free 15 sec. porn clips into a sock every night. C’mon, I want to hear about your life successes—Thin Frizzy or Bambi Claus or Goo-Stick 666 or whatever your fake bullshit name is. You see, all I want to do is be real bros

From Billy:
"Ten Best Cubes Of 2007"

From Stephen Sowley:
"Ten is a bullshit number"

1. Pissed Jeans-Hope For Men
2. Stars Of the Lid-Their Refinement And Their Decline
3. Pies N’ Thighs-Williamsburgh, NY.
4. Paul F. Tompkins-Impersonal/Patton Oswalt-Werewolves & Lollipops
5. Harvey Milk Reissues (Attn Relapse-take a note from homesnakes here and REISSUE NEM SHITS ON VINYL!)
6.  Joe Carducci-Enter Naomi: L.A., SST and All That
7.  Binges (best band in Chicago).
8. Finally getting a drivers license and a car
9. Robert Wyatt-Comicopera
10. No Country For Old Men

honorable extra credit: Oxbow-Narcotic Story, Whirlyball in Atlanta, Clockcleaner/No Age/Mika Miko Live, Best Show On WFMU, Twin Peaks Box Set, OM-Pilgrimage, Neurosis,  all things Kranky, all things Numero Group, 30 Rock, wishing I could put the next Breeders record on this list because if fucking slays.

From Ryan Leach:
1. The Young Marble Giants reissue
2. The Young Marble Giants reissue
3. The Young Marble Giants reissue
4. The Young Marble Giants reissue
5. The Young Marble Giants reissue
6. The Young Marble Giants reissue
7. The Young Marble Giants reissue
8. The Young Marble Giants reissue
9. The Young Marble Giants reissue
10. The Young Marble Giants reissue

From Aaron Draplin:
01. Leigh McKolay (…my gal, who I met in February.)
02. Richmond Fontaine – Thirteen Cities
03. Willy Vlautin – The Motel Life (novel)
04. Great Lake Swimmers – Ongiara
05. Young James Long – You Ain’t Known The Man
06. Shellac – Excellent Italian Greyhound (…dance trio from Chicago.)
07. Dinosaur Jr – Beyond (…felt like I was 19 again, kinda.)
08. Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
09. No Country For Old Men (the movie, book was great too!)
10. The King of Kong (documentary)

From Tony King:
1. Cass McCombs Dropping the Writ (Record)
2. The Wire – Season 4 (DVD)
3. Adrian Tomine Shortcomings (Graphic Novel)
4. Andrew Bird @ Harlow’s, Sacramento, CA (Show)
5. Casino Royale (Film)
6. Spoon Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (Record)
7. A Sunny Day In Glasgow – Scribble Mural Comic Journal (Record)
8. Paris, je t’aime (Film)
9. Double Indemnity – Universal Legacy Edition (DVD)
10. Mark Millar, JG Jones and Paul Mounts Wanted (Graphic Novel)

By Steve Birmingham:
Top Ten Eddies (Mostly Bottoms Though)

Eddie Cochran
Rock Genus: Rock-n-roll, baby
Stupid Index: Stupid taxi

Eddie Constantine
Rock Genus: Rock candy
Stupid Index: Stupid Frog fans

Eddie Haskell
Rock Genus: Proto Indie Rock Star
Stupid Index: Genius!

Eddie Hazel
Rock Genus: Funk-rock
Stupid Index: Stupid liver

Eddie
Rock Genus: Heavy metal / satanic rock
Stupid Index: Stupid furries and plushies (Iron Maiden’s Mascot) blunting the “scary.”
                               
Eddie Money
Rock Genus: Schleprock
Stupid Index: Goddammit, I’d blocked this cunt out of memory until now. Fuck!

Eddie Rabbitt
Rock Genus: Country/soft rock   
Stupid Index: Stupid radio era

Eddie “King” Roeser
Rock Genus: “Alternative” rock   
Stupid Index: Informal used to express exasperation or boredom

Eddie Van Halen cock rock
Rock Genus: The Red Rocker? Pepsi?
Stupid Index: Gary Cherone? Wolfgang now? Stupid intervention I have to plan for H2O.
            
Eddie Vedder
Rock Genus: Cringe rock
Stupid Index: Stupid grin [often pronounced grunj]

1. The aluminum-ish taste I still can’t get out of my mouth from licking Fergie’s belly ring.
2. Jason Bonham’s doo-rag.
3. The Wu-Tang Clan are still black.
4. Kayne West is still white.
5. I have to change all of my racist hip-hop references from Ludacris to Chromeo.
6. Stiil no concrete conclusion on who has more of a horse face: Feist of Jenny Lewis.
7. The kids who pay to see Against Me! are not dying of terminal cancer or at least aren’t paralyzed and shitting into a zip-loc bag 3 times a day.
8. No one realizes Adam Samberg has the face of Jamie Farr (I call it the Jew Zone) and the talent of Jimmie Fallon (I call it high school drama giggle syndrome).
9. The Arcade Fire only got their ass whipped at Whirlyball once this year.
10. I was drunk and gave Wolfgang Van Halen his first ever hand job backstage at the Forum. Yo, that tummy yogurt wuz insane!

Lil Wayne – Da Drought 3
Common – Finding Forever
Dizzee Rascal – Maths + English
Ghostface Killah – The Big Doe Rehab
Kanye West – Graduation
Jay-Z – American Gangster

I’ve been dumbly staring at that list from the last post and I think I’ve figured out what’s wrong with all these end of the year top records lists: A. There’s no honesty in advertising—the album titles don’t reflect what the bands are really about and B. The titles of these records are boring and just plain blow an elf’s nut. I thought I’d take on these two problems and rename the records with some proper ball spin. See if you can make up some of your own! Here’s what I came up with…
 
What these records should have been really named:
 
Band of Horses – Balls Deep In The Shallow End of Mediocrity
Radiohead – Who’s Dumb-Ass Idea Was It To Let People Download This Fucking Record For Free?
Animal Collective – Check It Out! We Have A Loop Pedal For Our Vocals! (or) That’s Still A Ska Hat Douche Bag
LCD Soundsystem – Yeah, No, I Can’t Talk Right Now I’m Working on A Remix For Some More Hipster-Ass Disco Bullshit That Makes A Retarded Child’s Underwear Look Like Machine Number 5 Exploded At The Mars Bar Factory
Battles – Look How High Our Crash Cymbal Is. Yeah, It’s Really High.
Deerhunter – No, Actually, That Guy Has This Weird Disease…Blah, Blah, Blah
Of Montreal –My Stupid Fucking Skinny Limped-Dicked Ass Looks Like Raggedy Andy From Raggedy Ann And Andy—Oh Yeah, We Also Have A Big-Ass Crab Hand
M.I.A. – Indian (Or Pakistani—I Often Can’t Tell) People Sometimes Smell Dirty
The National –Sonic Sleeping Pill For Paste Magazine Faggots To Fall Asleep To
Dirty Projectors –Sound Scan Zero

Happy Holidays from Chunklet!

Record titles that would have made me actually listen to these records:
 
Band of Horses – Battle Of Beef Curtain Hill
Radiohead – My Other Car Is A “Your Mamma’s So Fat” Joke
Animal Collective – At Least People Who Do Lynchings Know How To Tie Good Knots
LCD Soundsystem – Chuff Biscuit II
Battles – My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma. Hah, That’s So Meta. No, Look, Actually I Did Accidentally Run Over Your Dog. I Think He May Be Dead.
Deerhunter – Gary Glitter vs. Your Child
Of Montreal – Ugly Girls Do It Alone
M.I.A. – I’d Rather Be Fishing With A Class 3 Wizard Who Can Make Minnows Taste Like The Frisco Burger From Hardee’s
The National – Big Whiff From Fluffy Palace
Dirty Projectors – Getting Raped By Someone Who Is Holding The Swedish Chef Puppet From Jim Henson’s Muppets Really Sucks

In this age of dying labels and dwindling resources, it’s with all certainty that when you see a top ten list with any of these albums, the (I use the term loosely) critic has either hounded a record label or publicist for a free copy. And what to do when that fails? Well, you download it for free, you dunce….

Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
Radiohead – In Rainbows
Animal Collective –  Strawberry Jam
LCD Soundsystem – Sound of Silver
Battles – Mirrored
Deerhunter – Cryptograms
Of Montreal – Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
M.I.A. – Kala
The National – Boxer
Dirty Projectors – Rise Above

More lists forthcoming. Suggestions are welcome in comments. And no, "go to hell" isn’t a suggestion. That’s advice.

Travel diaries and concert reviews suck, so I’ll keep this brief. I think this is ATP #9 or #10 for me. As always, it’s a great time. A bit like a high school reunion with a lousy pizza buffet mixed with a bunch of sniveling English indie kids having a race to see who can get drunk first. All of this, of course, takes place in the windy, cold and wet environs of Western England in Minehead mere blocks from the beach at a holiday resort. However, even with that, it’s still a blast.

So what did I love the most? Earth. Om. Oneida. All three turned in great performances. Hypnotic. Droney. Stellar.

What did I just not "get"? GZA. Aphex Twin. Fuck Buttons. Call me old fashioned, but when I watch somebody perform on stage, I don’t want karaoke (as was the case with GZA) or showmanship akin to watching somebody check their email (AT & FB). And while on the subject of Fuck Buttons, when did "fuck" become the new "black" become the new "the" become the new "young" for band names? Fuck’s sake.

What else was great? Thurston Moore. Black Mountain. Julian Cope.

What was completely unnecessary? The Horrors.

What did I miss the most? First and foremost, the curry trailer outside where you could get a tortilla cone filled with rice and good-to-better-than-good curried veggies or chicken. If I never eat another ATP English Breakfast, I’ll forever be a happy boy. Secondly, I missed the fist fight that took place on stage between Greg and Stephen from Sunn O))). Towards the end of the set, O’Malley comes back out gesturing to Greg a "what the hell" sorta look and Greg hauls off and punches him into a stack of guitar cabinets. At that second, the house lights came up and the show was over. Man, why do I always miss all the fun? I am glad I missed the usual array of DJs who play Springsteen as some sort of ironic post-post-ironic inside joke. God, it makes me yearn for when you could dance til dawn to PiL or the Plugz at the old ATP facility at Camber.

Earth on the big stage upstairs, ATP ’07

And what was the most unforgettable memory of this ATP? Watching Jerry Sadowitz, Scotland’s leading non-bookable Jewish comedian/magician. Most of his set reminded me of hanging out with Mogwai after a night of booze when they just call everybody a "fucking cunt". Most was kinda "eh", but when he ended his set with an underwear trick which left him naked on stage beating off to prove that his dick wasn’t that tiny. Now that was absolutely genius.

Monday took me to London. Iain and I had an exquisite meal and then made our way to The Forum to see (get this) Earth, Boris, Sunn O))) (newly kissed and made up) and Boris and Sunn O))) performing their ALTAR album complete with guest stars. An absolutely killer way to end the weekend. This gig that was so sold out that there were bootleggers  selling ALTAR shirts in front of the venue. Oh, to think what O’Malley would think of the shitty hatchet job these bootleggers did with his original art. Video (with Jessy Sykes performing "The Sinking Belle") is included below. It’s how the ALTAR part of the evening began. The sound doesn’t do it justice, but goddamn, it was one of the most perfect rock moments I’ve ever witnessed.

Oneida on the downstairs stage, ATP ’07

Thanks to Barry, Helen, Karin, Shawn and the rest of the ATP folks for making this ugly American feel at home yet again. Also thanks to Pete for driving ($100 for a tank of gas, ouch!), Jodie for getting me a VIP seat at The Forum, Mark for putting up with me and Iain for the photos and/or snoring.

Indie Rock Auschwitz, Butlins. ATP ’07